[Chill Bossa Nova music plays in the background.]
<msak__> Hey moe
Moe
[Honks]
<msak__> You want us to come over for christmas?
Moe
[Honks affirmatively]
<msak__> And you're sure your friends are okay with it?
Moe
[Honks affirmatively]
<msak__> Sounds good :)
Ze
You sent the invitations, right?
Moe
[Excited affirmative honks]
Ze
Okay, good. This house looks like shit but I- it's going to have to do.
Regect
[Sarcasm] Yeah, it's not much, I know it's not that great, I only grabbed the Allied Mastercomputer. [Disbelieving scoff] Do you know how long that took me to get, by the way?
Ze
[Muttered] I mean- I just-
Regect
You ungrateful infidel! I hate you.
Ze
Moe, you can't open your presents yet, if you do I'll kill Santa.
Regect
[Mumbling]
Ze
Hey guys, you made it, yeah!
<msak__> Hey!
<msak__> Just letting you know, there's a giant crater in your front yard :/
Ze
[Reading under breath] "Just letting you know, there's a giant crater in your front yard--" Oh my god, are you KIDDING ME?! Can you guys give me one second, I'm just gonna- I'm gonna go take care of that little... thing we were talking about.
Hey, R--
[Muffled as Ptolemy and Msak listen from outside the house.]
Ze
Regect, come here. Hey, hey, hey, HEY!
Regect
Yeah, what’s up? Do you like my sweater? I just made it--
[Inside the house, loud and clear. Ze is punching Regect.]
Ze
I told you not to– Why are you putting holes in the-?! Yeah, no, jerk- I- I--
Regect
OW!! What are you doing?! How could-
[Muffled as Ptolemy and Msak listen from outside the house. Explosions and the sounds of punching can be heard.]
Ze
Don’t look at me! How could I forget that you did something like that?
Regect
No, that wasn’t me. You- You did it--
[Inside the house, loud and clear. Ze is still punching Regect.]
Ze
Are you stupid? Don’t even answer that, I already know you are. Fricking--
Regect
--you’re just an idiot and you forgot. You’re just an idiot. You’re just an idiot and you forgot.
[Muffled as Ptolemy and Msak watch from outside the house. A cat screeches.]
Ze
You’re an idiot. Something wrong with no head--
Regect
Screw you! You’re hitting me with your hands--
[Inside the house, loud and clear. Ze is still punching Regect.]
Ze
Don’t even hit--
Regect
--you don’t expect–-
[Muffled as Ptolemy and Msak watch from outside the house. We hear the sound of car crashes and more explosions.]
Ze
OW!! Now you’re hitting me?! You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah! No no no no! Keep it up! Keep it up! We’ll just- They can wait- They can wait out there--
Regect
--me to hit back? Yeah! That’s fair, right? That’s fair! I’m going to hit you back! Yeah, we’re hitting each other now. Now we’re- Now we’re-
Ze
[Fake cheer] Hey, guys, sorry about that! Yeah, come on in! I-
<msak__> Thanks for having us!
....
Ze
Oh- You’re- Oh, just hold on- just- wait- HOLD ON!
<msak__> You know there were 3 other houses that-
Ze
There! [Nervous laughter] Okay, heh, yeah!
Regect
AGH! Are you kidding me?!
Ze
Uh- What- Oh wait- Wait, you- you guys are actually cousins?
Regect
Like- He really came? Are you- [Groaning] Oh my god!
Ze
I was kidding. [Snickering] That’s funny! Uh- Kind of- Kind of funny. I don’t know.
Regect
Yeah, we’re actually- Ohhh, great, Christmas is ruined, Christmas is--
Regect
Oh wait, look, Ze, one of his fifty pairs of arms is typing, let’s see what he has to say.
Ze
Hey, that’s kind of mean, Regect, I don’t know why you--
Ptolemy
[Overlapping voices] You know what? Fuck you, man.
Regect
Wh- When did you start speaking? You’ve never spoken! You actually speak English? Are you kidding me?
Ptolemy
Yeah. I just don’t like talking to you.
Ze
So, uh- Ptolemy, Regect, uh... How long have you been cousins for?
Msak
What?
Ze
Oh! I- I- mean- uh- Oh, you guys are cousins? Wait, I thought you didn’t have a grandma? I thought that was the whole, like--
Regect
[Fake civility] So, big T starts with P! It’s, uh- It’s been a bit, you know? Haha! I actually just wanted to talk to you about the whole Thanksgiving thing. You, uh- You uninvited me... to Thanksgiving. Like, you- you- Let’s just dive into that!
You spent a good, what, fifteen cents to uninvite me...? From Thanksgiving? I think it would’ve been nicer to just not invite me at all. But no, Mr. Centidick over here--
Ptolemy
At least I have one.
Regect
--wanted to uninvite me! Uh- Who do you think you are? You have an answer for that? Huh?!
Ptolemy
Yeah, I just--
Regect
PUSSY!
Ptolemy
-I just wanted to make sure you knew. Really didn’t want you showing up, you know?
Regect
...Yeah, and you STILL look like that!
Ptolemy
How is that related to anything at all?
Regect
Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that you, uh, look like ASS! After all these years, you look like ass!
Ptolemy
At least I have an ass, you only have like, one cheek.
Regect
At least you have an ass? You’re right! You’re right, at least you have an ass, right? Let’s count how many you have, actually! Let’s go here. Let’s go. One, two, three, four, five--
Ptolemy
That’s actually my foot.
Msak
Sooo...
Ze
Uh- Hey, there. I guess, uh-
Msak
Yeahhh...
Ze
Yeah, I guess- I guess our guys are arguing.
Msak
Uh… Mhm.
Ze
Let’s- Let’s go outside. Moe, come on. Let’s- yeah, let’s go outside, let’s let them have their--
Regect
[Mumbling] Oh, uh- oh, okay, um. Sorry, I didn’t see it. Six, seven, eight, nine- I’ll keep counting! I don’t give a shit, I’ll keep counting! Eleven- I skipped some numbers! Yeah, sure, whatever. It doesn’t matter, I can--
Msak
So, like, um... What do you guys do for fun?
Ze
What do we like to do- Ooo, well check this out! I’ll show you what we like to do for fun, check this.
[Silly] Woooo! Heheh- Oh, I forgot about the hole! I- OW! OW!
[Ze’s coughs echo from down in the hole.]
Msak
Is he, um... Is he going to be okay?
Moe
[Honks]
Msak
[Doubtful] C- Cooool...
Ze
[Distant, echoing] Agh- oh, oh, there’s a hole down here, you know, you--
Regect
--Heart of Glass, One Way or Another, the one about uh- the one about uh, eating cars, or some shit?
Ze
[Hushed] They’re still arguing?
Msak
[Hushed] I think we’re-
Ptolemy
What about vivivivivi? Femtanyl?
Regect
Great- Great artist! We’re talking about late 80s, early 90s, you moron!
Ze
[Hushed] Yeah, we might be interrupting something. Do you want to go back outside? Just let them? They’re kind of going at it. I don’t know.
Ptolemy
Okay, okay, Horoscope Band?
Msak
[Hushed] We should probably... Yeah.
Regect
[Ranting] G- Great, great, also great! Late 80s, early 90s! Horoscope Band is from the 70s! Are you thinking with one of your many asses or something?! Oh my god- There’s something wrong with you! There is something mentally wrong with you. There’s something that needs to get checked out, something in your head that just- isn’t- isn’t clicking, and you know, it’s ridiculous! Okay? You’re being ridiculous, everything is being ridiculous, okay?! I don’t want to-
Ze
[Hushed] I never- I’ve really never seen him this angry. Like this is genuinely the angriest I’ve ever... I don’t even know what to say. I just kind of- Moe, have you ever seen him this angry before? ...Just, uh-
[The door opens and Piipo, the Filipino Jester, walks in.]
Ze
Who are you?
Regect
GET OUT! Get out! Get the hell out! Get out! Now! Get out!
Ptolemy
Get out! Get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out!
[Piipo leaves the scene.]
Ze
Huh. There he goes.
Regect
[To Ptolemy] I’m pissed! You just don’t get it, do you? Huh? You just don’t get it, huh?
Msak
Dude, did you just fucking scream at THE Filipino Jester? What the fuck, guys?!
Ze
Moe- What are you-
Regect
Wh- Moe, what are you- Wh- What is going on? Wh--
Moe
[Honks]
[Outro by M83 begins to play. It is a grand, motivational song.]
Moe
[Honks an inspirational speech]
Ptolemy
You’re right, I’m... sorry.
Regect
[Awed] I understand now. She’s right, Ptolemy. Me and you, we- we need to put our differences aside and... just enjoy this Christmas.
Ze
So, Msak, you fuck monsters?
[The music cuts off to awkward silence.]
Ze
What?