Ze
So, Msak, you [CENSORED] monsters?
[Awkward silence.]
Ze
What?
Msak
[Flustered] Remains to be seen- I mean–! That’s not allowed on TikTok- I mean-!
Regect
I’m going to beat you to death with hammers.
...Ze, I don’t like how this guy’s looking at me, I’m not gonna lie.
Msak
[Deadpan] I’m just looking at you.
Regect
Oh, he’s got- he’s got them evil eyes, man, I- I don’t know.
Msak
That’s just how I look, dude.
Ze
Ohhh, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah.
Regect
Ohhh, oh, yeah, that sucks, yeah.
Ze
Alright, guys, gals, and whatever Ptolemy is. Uh- We’re going to do uh- my, little, uh- Christmas tradition before we start opening presents!
[Squawks as Ze throws eggs on the ground and baby chickens begin to spawn.]
Ze
See, what you do is you take a bunch of eggs here, and you just, uh- you kinda throw them until they start spawning. ...Just going to do this for a little bit, then I’ll explain myself...
Msak
This is weirder than Christmas carp.
Ze
Then once you have enough, you just start going around hunting them.
[Gunshots as Ze begins to hunt the chickens down.]
Ze
...Yep. ...Yep. ...Oh, yep, ah- I’m missing them! I’m missing them a lot.
[Moe joins in, running around and throwing splash potions.]
Moe
[Honks]
Ze
Uh, I- I- They’re elusive little bastards. ...I- I am so bad at this.
Regect
Yeah, Ze, you can stop, no one’s making you do this.
Ze
No, I know you want to embarrass me, dude! And, I- No, honestly, that’s messed up!
Regect
No one said anything about that...
Ze
I peaked for two seconds and I’ve lost absolutely everything!
Regect
Dawg, what the hell are you talking about?!
Ze
I’ve lost everything!
Msak
Is this what you deal with everyday?
Regect
No, no! I- I’m not sure what this is, usually I’m the absurd one! I- I don’t know how I feel about being shown up right now. I don’t like it. I don’t like being shown up. I’m supposed- I’m the absurd one! This is ridiculous! Ze, the hell?
Ptolemy
...Let’s just get back to opening our presents.
Ze
[Excited] Ah sick, a shotgun! Yeah, this is cool!
Moe
[Honks]
Regect
Oh, yeah, yeah, I got you that one, dude! Yeah!
Ze
Cool- Ah- shit! This is awful! I- Auto-correct, I didn’t mean to say that. [Nonchalant] This is actually the, uh- worst present I’ve ever, uh- received.
Regect
Wh- What do you mean- How do you verbally auto-correct someone?
Ze
Dude, STOP YELLING AT ME!!
Ze
It was an accident! I didn’t even say that! Yeah, you yell- YOU started yelling at ME!!
Regect
You- You’re yelling! I didn’t even yell once! You started yelling at me! What the hell is your problem?!
Ze
I’m sick of it! I’m tired of you treating me like shit in front of our guests, and in front of Moe, in front of everyone! You think everything’s a game, you think everything’s some sort of joke.
Regect
Are you kidding?! What do you mean, me yelling, you’re- you yelled at me! I don’t- you’re- you’re- you’re still yelling, you’re screaming at me right now!
Msak
Oooh, a pestle and mortar! You shouldn’t have.
Ptolemy
I figured I’d get you something actually practical.
Ze
I’m not YELLING!! I’m not yelling at you! That’s not- You’re making things up now, and now you’re--
Regect
You’re- you- I didn’t say anything! You said “auto-correct”, which verbal--
Moe
[Interrupting honks]
Ze
Wait, hold on- hold on. What?
Moe
[Honks]
Ze
Oh yeah- yeah, she makes a good point, I guess.
Regect
You know what, I’m hungry too. I think I’m a- I’m a little peckish.
Regect
I made some- I made some bombass fruitcake, so yeah, we can- we can dine on that--
Ptolemy
[Sigh] You know I’m allergic to most fruits.
Regect
You know, self-love is actually really important.
Ze
Yeah, so actually, that’s how I tried to smother this bastard in, uh- in his sleep. Before I realized that he, uh- he didn’t have a head, nor did he have a respiratory system to cut off.
Msak
So you were just--
Ze
Yeah, yeah, I was just pressing a pillow into the bed for like, fifteen minutes, yes.
Regect
Hah! Better luck next time. Skull emoji.
Ptolemy
Did you just say that out loud?
Msak
I think he did--
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
The Pirate has-- AH!
[Ze blasts the captain with his shotgun.]
Ze
I got him! I had to! No, it makes sense! It made sense at the time! I had to, I had to kill him! You know it! You know I had to kill him, and I- I did the right thing. I did the right thing! I’m the hero! I’m the hero here, and you guys--
Regect
OH! GOD! Jeez, what the hell? What are you doing?! Why did you do that?! Oh my god. Why did you do that? Why did you do that?! What is wrong with you?!
Msak
Dude. Dude. Did you just kill a guy with a family? Did he have a family?! Dude. Dude! DUDE!!
Ptolemy
What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?