Ze
Hey, have you seen Moe? I've been looking for her- What the hell are you doing?
Regect
Just playing one of the greatest horror games to ever grace the planet? Here, hold the-
Ze
Wh-What?
Regect
Y- You've never played it? Here, try it, try it, try it, try it.
Ze
Okay, sure.
[Peaceful music with birds chirping plays in the background.]
Ze
Dude, what the hell is this?!
Regect
This is Harvester, bro, this is like-- This is from 1996, it's one of my favorite games ever made. You- You gotta click things twice to open them.
Ze
That's annoying, but okay... So, what do I- What do I do?
Regect
Like I said, you gotta click on things twice to grab them.
Ze
Wh- Why can't I pick up the glasses?
Regect
Well, cause the glasses aren't part of the story.
Ze
The glasses aren't part of the story?
Regect
Yeah, what I said--
Ze
What is part of the story?
Regect
Well, the things in the drawer, you better grab them. [Inaudible]
Ze
The pen... and the coin. So the glasses aren't part of the story, but the- the pen and the coin are?
Regect
Well, I don't mean part of the main story, I mean like, you need- you're going to need them later. I'm trying not to spoil this, I- I want you to experience this.
Ze
[Annoyed exhale] Okay, yeah, whatever. I guess I'll go this way.
[The kid watches a TV playing the sounds of a gunfight.]
Ze
Okay, now what?
Regect
Talk to the kid, the kid.
Ze
Oh, okay.
[Ze selects the kid to talk.]
Kid
[Annoyed] What?
Ze
Okay, do I- do I ask a question, now?
Regect
Yeah, so when you first meet someone you have three questions and based on what you ask you unlock certain things to ask them, so try number three.
[Ze selects the “Where am I?” dialogue.]
Ze
That's a really basic concept-
Regect
[Pissed] Oh my god, is there no joy in your life?! It's a fucking 90s computer game!
Ze
[Amused] Okay!
Kid
In the doghouse if you keep bugging me, cause I’m sick, and I’ll tell mom if you don’t lemme watch TV.
Regect
Dude, you're overanalyzing it like it's contender for game of the year!
[Ze selects the “BYE” option.]
Ze
[Through laughter] I'm not, I'm-
Kid
Good! Finally!
Regect
Just- listen to what I say, okay?
Ze
It's basic!
Regect
Okay, no- Turn around, go to the kitchen.
Ze
Yeah, okay- okay, I'll go to the kitchen.
Regect
Yeah, you need to find his mom.
Ze
Oh, look at that! It, yeah-
[Ze selects the mom to talk.]
Regect
Very retroesque.
Ze
It's the 50s cause they've got cribs in the kitchen.
Mom
Well, hello there! How about some cookies? There’s plenty of rejects in the trash.
Regect
I don't think that's exclusive to the 50s, I think you can do that now.
Steve
Who are you?
Ze
Oh well, yeah, I meant like, it was more common.
Mom
That’s a fine way to talk to your mother!
Regect
Oh- you're just saying, like they-
Steve
You're my mother?!
Ze
Just, was a little more- little more common.
Mom
That’s right, though sometimes I get treated like the hired help around here.
Regect
Yeah that is- that was- that was common back-- Well, back in the 50s, yeah. This takes place in the 50s.
Ze
And it was made in- yeah.
Regect
Yes, it was made in 1996.
Steve
No, you don’t understand. I can’t remember where I am or even who I am!
Regect
So they are going in the past for the movie-- or, not the uh, movie, the uh- the game.
Ze
Right yeah, it takes place in the past.
Mom
Land’s sakes! Stop your joshing, won’t you? Honestly, Steve, I thought you’d grow up a little after graduation. I only hope that new job will plant your feet on the ground.
Regect
Yeah.
Steve
So, that’s my name... Steve...?
Ze
So wait, I- I haven't been paying attention. What's the story? Cause it looks like this guy's like-- He lost his memory?
Mom
Your name will be M-U-D ‘Mud’ if you don’t stop teasing me, young man! Well, you always were a kidder, Steve.
Regect
Well, um. Yeah, so basically, your name is Steve, and um. You're- You lose all your memories, and basically there's a cult and stuff? And you gotta- yeah.
Steve
I’m serious!
Mom
Sure, and next you’ll be telling me you don’t remember Hank and your little sister.
Ze
Okay. Oh, can I type my own answer?
Regect
I mean, kind of, yeah.
Ze
Wait, would I get in trouble for this?
Regect
I- It's a horror game, it's not an MMO. You're not gonna-- There's no moderation.
[Ze types “Fuck you bitch” in as dialogue.]
Mom
Stop speaking nonsense, dear.
Ze
Oh, it didn’t even work, okay, whatever.
Steve
Sister?!
Ze
Oh, is my sister the baby in the crib?
Mom
Sssh! You’ll wake her!
Regect
Yeah that's- Yeah that's your sister. Yeah.
Ze
Oh, is that a mosquito?
Regect
[Startled] Oh! See, it's creepy, it's weird.
Mom
I just put her down to sleep. If she wakes up, she’ll just want to eat again.
Ze
I wouldn't say that's weird, it's definitely... gross, and... it's not scary, and--
Steve
Fine. Maybe I AM crazy. I can’t rule that out. Why can’t you just help me a little. Is that too much to ask?!
Regect
Okay, iron balls, I'm just trying to have fun here.
[The baby begins to cry.]
Ze
'Kay, now the baby's crying. I'm a horrible- I'm a horrible brother.
Mom
Now you’ve done it! Are you happy? Poor baby...
Regect
Yeah, you're a real piece of shit.
Ze
Oh, animation. Oh! What the hell? There's a--
Regect
Yeah! [Laughter] It's weird.
[A cutscene begins to play. Mom gasps down at the baby, and bugs buzz as the baby chews on a spider and is bitten by a mosquito.]
Ze
Ooh! [Amused] She just slapped a baby?
[Mom slaps her baby.]
Regect
[Laughter] Yeah, she- she slapped it, yep.
Mom
Now you’ve done it! Are you happy? Poor baby...
Ze
Yeah, I think that's enough for me.
Regect
Well, hey man, I'm- I'm glad you enjoyed the game.
Ze
I never said that. I did not say I enjoyed it.
Regect
Oh. Yeah.
Moe
[Honks]
Ze
Oh, there's Moe.
Regect
Oh, hey, Moe.
Creeper
I'm going to explode I'm going to explode I'm going to explode I'm going to explode I'm going to explode I'm going to explode I'm going to explode [Continues to repeat]
Ze
Oh my god, there’s a creeper in the house! Hey, hey! Go this way! No, no, stop! Don't- Don't get near it, just run! Just run from it. Oh, fuck. Get away! Oh, it's going after you, dude. Ah, that's it, I'm not even going to help you.
Regect
Oh! Creeper! I'm- I'm not even going to get near it. Yeah, I fucking-- I don't know what to- Don't piss it off! Why'd you hit it?! Now it's after me! You are an asshole, I hate--
Moe
[Honks grow more and more panicked]