Regect
[From upstairs] Yo, Ze, come check this out.
Ze
Alright- I'm coming, I'm coming. Wh- What do you guys want? ...Hello? Guys?
Regect
[Entering from the side door] Yooo, what's up, man?
Moe
[Honks]
Ze
What- I- Wh-
Regect
What's wrong?
Ze
Did you just call- N- Nevermind. What do you want to show me?
Regect
Moe, give him the thing.
Ze
What the hell is this? A cauldron?
Regect
"A cauldron," he says!
Moe
[Amused honks]
Regect
No, my friend, that is not just a cauldron. That is a dream cauldron!
Ze
Okay, what does a dream cauldron do?
Regect
Well, uh- We got it from, uh- Wakafante, and supposedly, uh- you put it next to someone's head while they sleep and uh- you can traverse into their dreams.
Ze
Oh, uh- Alright, who wants to do it first?
Regect
Well-
Moe
[Honks]
Regect
-oh! I guess Moe wants to do it first.
Ze
Oh, Moe? Okay.
Regect
Alright, Moe, come on!
Ze
That's-- Oh my god! Stop, stop! Don't- Don't sing! Please. Oh my god, stop.
Regect
[Loudly singing] DREAM ON!! DREAM ON!! DREAM ON!!
Ze
Okay, Moe! I- Is that how she sleeps?!
Regect
I guess- I've never seen this before, but I guess so.
Ze
A- Alright. I- I guess, uh... D- Do you want to go in? Or- What do I do?
Regect
Okay okay okay. If I remember correctly, you're supposed to just hop into the cauldron--
Ze
I- I just- I just hop in?
Regect
--and then once you're in the cauldron it- it just kind of traverses you into the- into like, the dream state. Where- Where her dreams are happening. Or whatever. Yeah.
Ze
Alright, let me take my- let me, uh- take my jacket off first.
Regect
Alright, weird thing to announce, but okay.
[Loud crashing and clanging.]
Regect
What the fuck are you doing, dude?!
Ze
Oh, that was my jacket. I was just taking off my jacket.
Regect
Was it full of rocks?! What was that?
Ze
Alright, I'm going in! Uh- Wish, uh- Wish me luck! ...Wh- What do I do?
Regect
Just hop right in and it'll just transport you.
Ze
Oh, hop right in.
[Magical sound effect as Ze is transported into the dream world.]
Ze
[Amazed] Woah!! Oh my gosh!
Regect
Yo, Ze, can you hear me? Can you hear me down there?
Ze
Loud and clear, man, loud and clear.
Regect
Alright, cool. Uh, what- what do you see down there?
Ze
I see glow- Oh! I see a door. I see a dark door.
Regect
A door? Okay, uh- Try going through there.
Ze
Alright? I'm going through it.
Regect
What's in there?
Ze
It's really dark on the other side.
Regect
Okay, just- just go through it, then.
Ze
Okay? Uh- What- There's nothing- Oh! Wait, there is something here!
Regect
Wait, really? What is it?
Ze
[Amazed] Wow!!
Regect
What is it, what is it?
Ze
It's like a- It's like a tiny village, or something. It's like a little town down here.
Regect
Oh. You know what, this must be- this must be where, uh- Moe's subconscious is.
Ze
Her subconscious?
Regect
Uh, I think it's in- it's represented by a town? I don't know, I'm making bullshit up, I just want the story to progress, but still. That's cool.
Ze
Alright, yeah. I just- It's really dark in here, but there's some- there's like, torches and there's little houses here.
Regect
Maybe try going- Maybe, uh- try going into one of the houses? Maybe you'll find something in there?
Ze
Alright, I guess, uh- We'll do a little- do a little thing.
Ze
There's a bunch of lava here. Uh- Is that, like- Is that bad? Does that mean she has like, uh... Heartburn? Or something?
Regect
I don't- I don't think it's heartburn, it's probably one of those, like, metaphors that people have as dreams.
Ze
Okay, like, l- look up what it means if you dream of lava. And really big towns.
Regect
I- I- I don't think that's going to help.
Ze
No, you're being lazy! Just look up what it means, alright?!
Regect
[Exasperated] Oh my god, fine! Beep beep beep boop boop boop beep! It means you're a BITCH!
Ze
...Something tells me you didn't actually look it up.
Regect
Jesus Christ, just keep looking through the town! Wh- Have you found anything? What did you find?! Wh- Where are you right now?!
Ze
Uh, I found a house with an attic, and it's really dark up here.
Regect
So in short terms you- you found nothing.
Ze
Well, f- found nothing as in contrast of what? What am I looking for?
Regect
You're looking for, uh- I'm sorry, you're right, I forgot to tell you. You're looking for the Tree of Dreams. You need to find that and th- there should be something in there for you. Or at least that's what Fante said?
Ze
Okay, Fante is senile and he- bites, okay? I don’t trust him.
Ze
Dude, there's no tree. There's just lava and shit.
Ze
Wait, hold on-
Regect
Well you just gotta keep-
Ze
One of these doors is open. There's something-
Regect
What? Well, go through the door, find something.
Ze
It's like a church, or something? I don’t know. Oh!
Regect
What- Oh, what what what?
Ze
There's a chest. There's a book in here!
Regect
What's in there?
Ze
Oh, I'll read what it says.
Regect
What's the book say? Read it, read it, read it, READ IT!!
Ze
[Reading, confused] "Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?" Wh- What?!
Ze
I'm putting that back. That is not anything coherent.
Regect
What? Just some B.S.. What a waste of time.
Ze
There's another open door right here.
Regect
Is there a chest?
Ze
There's another chest.
Regect
You must read!
Ze
Yes, there is another book, I knew you were gonna ask-
[Reading] "I drink pine tar with cinnamon to stabilize my chakras before combat--" What is this? What is this?!
Jamie
[Distant and echoing] Hello up there!
Ze
The hell was that?
Jamie
Hello, I'm here!
Ze
Hello?
Jamie
Look down! Look down in the well!
Ze
The well? Wait, what? What's going- What?
Jamie
The well! The well!
Jamie
[Raspy voice echoing from well] Hey there!
Ze
Hello?!
Jamie
You're a bit far from home, aren't'cha?
Ze
I guess- I- Who are you?
Jamie
My name's Jamie. I run this place, I run her- run her subconscious. I run everything.
Ze
Okay, wh- what are you doing down there?
Jamie
I- I- Well, I fell down the well, it's not very pleasant down here. It feels like an old wet sponge that soaked up... piss.
Ze
[Uninterested] Oh, that's nice. Yeah, s- s- sorry to hear that, man. Is there anything I can do?
Jamie
Well, actually, I know of a mechanism. If you can find it--
Ze
Oh, uh- uh- I'm actually on a- I'm kind of on like, a time restraint so I can't really help- help you.
Ze
I hope you get out soon though! S- Sorry, man, yeah. I- I hope you find a way out.
Jamie
Oh. Oh, okay. That's fine. [Fades out as Ze walks away]
Regect
Ze, why'd you lie to that guy? There's no time--
Ze
[Gritted teeth] Dude, SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!
Regect
[Hushed] Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Ze
What is that? Oh, it's a bathroom! Oh god, I actually needed to go.
Regect
There's a bathroom in there?
Ze
Phew! Okay. I'm gonna use the bathroom real quick. I hope Moe doesn't mind me using the bathroom in her--
Regect
What is it?
Ze
[Baffled] ...What?!
Regect
What's in there? Is it- Is it a bathroom?
Ze
It's more than just a bathroom, it breaks the Euclidean laws of physics because there is... This is a box.
Regect
A box-shaped bathroom?
Ze
Well no, there's no- there's no bathroom. At least I don't think there is? It's kind of like a- a house, or something. Like a dungeon. Why is there no bathroom in the dungeon?
Regect
Well, it's a dungeon so I assume they don't really care.
Ze
Maybe there’s something in this chest over here--? [Ze is shot by arrows] OHH--!
Ze
Alright, I guess some of these chests are trapped? Uh. This one isn't, and this one isn't.
Regect
So I assume this whole place is trapped. You might want to watch out--
Ze
Oh! Ohh!! Oh shit!
Regect
What? What happened?
Ze
Oh my god, I almost got trapped! Nice try, buddy, I'm just gonna go-- [Ze is pushed into lava] OH! AH! AHH!!
Ze
My ass is not built for Wipeout! Nor is it built for this dungeon! Okay?
Regect
Then leave.
Ze
[Frustration] Ah- I opened the same chest! I need to get out of here, there's no bathroom, okay? I've come to the conclusion--
Regect
You- You've been shot twice, and you fell in lava, and you came to the conclusion that there's no bathroom now?
Ze
Occam's razor, you abstract fucking loser. I- I-
Oh! Look at that, maybe there’s something in here.
This is an entire like- I think this is like the Wild West. Is this- Is this like the Good, the Bad and the Ugly?
Regect
Well, it's just you there so it's just ugly.
Ze
Yeah, real- real funny, dude. Real funny.
There's something in the church over here, I think?
Regect
Oh, go through it, then.
Ze
I don't know, I'm- I'm going in here.
Regect
I mean, if you can't find the tree then--
Ze
Wait, hold on. That's the tree!
Regect
Wait, you found it?!
Ze
It- It's like underground, but it has a bunch of lanterns on it. It's definitely a tree!
Regect
No way, alright! Well, uh- go through there, then, man!
Ze
Uh- Okay, uh- I'm in here, now what?
Regect
Okay, I think Fante said that you need to traverse the tree until you find -and this is what he said- "exactly what you're looking for." So, I guess just look around until you find that?
Ze
Uh, okay? Well, I found apples and I found some bread? I don't think that's “exactly what I'm looking for,” though.
Regect
Well, uh. Then keep looking, I don't know what else to tell you, man.
Ze
There's a set of stairs here? So maybe I- I gotta go up here.
Regect
Ah, there we go! Now we're getting somewhere!
Ze
Yeah, I'm gonna go up these and see if- Oh! Wait, there is something! There's like, an opening to- What the hell is that?
Hold on, I can't get up here. Oh- I just crouched and it worked. Oh- I'm outside now! But it's... It's all starry. Oh- Let's see what's over here.
I see, uh- lava. Oh, it's a volcano! Heh, yeah, no, I'm not going down there. Nice try, buddy.
Punching Guy
Surprise--!
[We hear the clatter of things falling.]
Ze
[Voice echoing] Goddammit, what the hell was that?! It's so dark in here. Regect? Hello? I can't see anything.
Oh- Oh, there we go. Regect? Where the hell am I?
The Three Heads
You there! Walk forward!
Ze
What?
The Three Heads
You there! Walk forward!
Ze
What?
The Three Heads
You there! Walk forward!
Ze
What?
The Three Heads
[Lost patience] Go up the stairs!!
Ze
Oh- Oh, okay, yeah, sorry. Jeez, what is this guy's problem? Where am I, even? Who is this guy?
The Three Heads
Ah, there you are. We are the three heads that rule dreamland. Speak! What is it you desire the most?
Ze
What do I desire the most? Um. I guess I kinda want to learn more about Moe? She doesn't really talk to us, or at least I don't think she can talk to us.
The Three Heads
Ah. Moenella the clown. That is a story for another day, young Ze. Until then, keep your wits about you and your spirits high.
Ze
Is- Is that it? That- That's all you're going to tell me? I went through all that just for you to say this?!
The Three Heads
Well, it's supposed to be a--
Ze
I could have read that off of a fortune cookie.
The Three Heads
It's supposed--
Ze
This is bullshit! Are you legit?!
The Three Heads
It's supposed to be- It's supposed to be a lesson, you're supposed to be happy with what you have now.
Ze
No, I'm not going to leave with that!
The Three Heads
Okay, fine, we'll just show you the secrets of the universe.
Ze
What?
[Grand music plays as Ze witnesses the secrets of the universe.]
The Three Heads
Okay, times up.
[Shattering as Ze is thrown out of the dream cauldron and into a wall.]
Ze
AGH!!
Regect
Yo, did it work? ...Ze--?