Ze
Okay, today was good, I got a lot of stuff done, and-
[TNT hisses.]
Ze
Wh- What’s that noise? Wh- is that hissing?
[TNT explodes, breaking open a hole in Ze’s wall.]
Regect
[Singsong] Break the walls down! Like I’m Jericho! What’s up? What’s up, dude?
Ze
[Sputtering in disbelief] DUDE! There’s a door! Right there!
Regect
Oh- oh, the door. Okay, yeah. Uh. Okay, yeah, I’ll use it. Be right back.
Ze
[Exasperated] Huh? Oh my...
Regect
Okay, I used the door, and yeah, the hole’s still there, so I don’t know your point.
Ze
Look, I’m not- I’m not doing this today.
Ze
Nope. Actually, you know what, I’m gonna go mining. You can fuck up my house some more, I don’t care.
Regect
What- Wait no, come back, no, I’m sorry. Come on, I was kidding with you, I was just messing around.
Ze
Okay, I- stone- I- Oh, there’s coal here, that’s good-
[Distant high-pitched scream.]
Ze
Woah- Hello, who’s there? Oh my god, that sounded liked a person! You good- [Disappointment] It’s you.
Ze
[Sarcastic] It’s you, of course it’s you. That’s great. That’s awesome.
Regect
I’m good, I just stubbed my toe, but uh... Since you’re here, welcome to my museum, dude! Welcome to my museum!
Regect
Over here, we got the paintings-
Ze
Dude, what the hell. Is that a statue of me? That’s me!
Regect
Oh, yeah! I used you for reference. I know, it’s incredibly-
Ze
No, no, we’re not doing that.
Regect
Woah, what are you doing? Hey! No. What the hell, come on. No.
Ze
No, I’m- I’m taking it. Look- I’ll use it in my house, I’ll put in my house, okay?
Regect
Wait, if you’re being serious, then fine, take it. Just- Okay. Fine, I get it, fine.
Ze
It’s- it’s really weird. Okay? I’ll put it in my house. I don’t want it public.
Ze
Oh, okay, I actually kind of like this one.
Regect
Which one?
Ze
This is, uh, Saturn Devouring His Son. This is- uh, this is actually one of my favorite paintings.
Regect
Uh. I didn’t put that up.
Ze
What? What do you mean you didn’t... You didn’t- What is- What is it doing here then?
Regect
That’s not mine. I don’t know where it came from. I’m never seen the painting in my life. I don’t know.
Ze
Oh- oh, there it goes. Oh- okay. That’s uh-
Regect
Oh god. Yeah that closet- that door leads to nowhere. I don’t know where it-
Ze
It leads to nowhere? Oh- yeah, you’re right. That’s just- yup, that’s just stone.
Regect
Yeah, it’s just- that’s just stone. I don’t know what-
Regect
Okay, you look around down there, I’m going to go look for that painting.
Ze
Okay, I guess I’ll just- Wh-
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Ahoy there! I’m- I’m here for the arg.
Ze
What- what do you...
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
The arg. I saw the video, you’re missing a few letters, but it’s fine.
Ze
No, no, not A-R-G-- Are-are you a pirate?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Yeah, I’m- I saw you do args? Is that-
Ze
No, it’s not “args”, it’s A-R-G, it’s a genre.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
I know how to spell args. I- are you lying to me? I- I don’t like lying.
Ze
No, I’m not lying. Why would I be lying? And who’s that?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
That’s my crewmate!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Don’t- don’t try- don’t try to change the subject. Alright, you know what, we’re just leaving. Just go, just go, just go, just go.
Ze
I- no! What are you talking about? I- Just leave.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
I’ll get you back for lying, you- blubberboy-- forgot the name.
[Overlapping encouragement for the captain from several of his crewmates.]
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Thanks mateys, thanks, I-
Ze
I-
Regect
Is everything good down there? I’m hearing a lot of chatter. A lot of voices that weren’t yours. And ones that were yours.
Ze
I- nothing. I just- I- I don’t know, I do not-
Ze
‘kay, I- I want to go home now. Is there a way out of here?
Regect
Oh yeah, right here, it’s just under all this gravel. ...Give me a second.
Ze
Okay?
Regect
I put a lot in here, I didn’t want anyone else going down here.
Ze
Um. O- Okay?
Ze
A few minutes later.
Regect
A few weeks later.
Ze
A few weeks? It’s a few minutes.
Regect
Few- weeks- Two weeks? It’s two weeks, right?
Ze
It says it behind us. It’s back there. Okay, just- say it right- okay, I’ll say it. I’ll just say it. I’ll say it, I’ll say it, okay?
Regect
Wh- I didn’t know- I didn’t know it was displayed behind us. I didn’t see it. I was- I was guessing, I was guessing. O-okay, alright, you say it then. You say it.
Ze
A few minutes later.
Regect
That was alright. That was mediocre.
Ze
Okay, whatever, dude.
Ze
You couldn’t have made an elevator-
Regect
[Bewildered] Hit a 180.
[Behind them is a grand building.]
Ze
180? Holy- what?
Regect
I didn’t- I didn’t make that. No, I didn’t make that.
Ze
Did you make that? Hold on, let’s go check it-
Ze
Where is- what is this- someone’s up there.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Hello landlubber! I remembered the word this time. It’s me, you remember me?
Ze
Oh, it’s this asshole. Yeah, I know this- I know this guy. He was- He was the one talking about the “args”.
Regect
You know this dude? Wait- you two know each other?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Yeah. Yeah, no, the one you lied to, you mean?
Regect
Why’d you lie to him? Why didn’t you just tell him the truth?
Ze
No one lied to you! I was being serious.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Yeah, sure, we’ll see what my men have to say about it.
Ze
Men?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Gentlemen, charge the liar!
The Captain’s Men
[Overlapping as they fall] For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king! For the king!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
No- I meant, no no! Guys, no- fuck- there’s a ladder! Go down the ladder! Go inside the...
Ze
What are you… No, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Oh my god.
Regect
[Amused] Oh shit! Oh man...
Ze
He just killed his men.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
No, I-
[Ze aims his rifle at the captain.]
Regect
That sucks. He might run away. What are you-
Ze
Just run inside-
Ze
[Distressed] I aimed for the leg- I aimed for the- I didn’t mean to-
Regect
We have this whole castle to ourselves now, this is awesome! Look at me go, look at how high this goes, look at how crazy... [Fades out as he flies higher]
Ze
What are you d- No! The- Oh my, I aimed for the head. Ohhh- okay. Alright, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. [Breathless] Uh- we’ll just- we’ll um. I guess this is our castle now. That’s cool, it’s bigger than our last house.
Regect
AHHH-- [Regect falls to his death]
Ze
Oh, oh! Damn!