Villager Professor
[Humming as if giving a speech]
Ze
[Hushed] Dude, I have no idea what he’s saying.
Regect
Oh my god, I thought I was the only one.
Abraham Lincoln
Ah! I’m so happy I was able to make it today. I was almost late.
Ze
Um. Is that- is that-
Regect
Wh- is that- I think-
Ze
Excuse- excuse me, are you Abraham Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln
Why, yes I am. Why?
Ze
Oh my god! We need to go, we need to go, yeah-
Regect
It’s John Wilkes Booth, we need to go. We need to go now, we need to get out of here-
Abraham Lincoln
Don’t you wish to stay for the rest of the talk? It’s very interesting.
Ze
Woah.
Regect
Dude, are you seeing this?
Ze
Yeah, dude, where did that building come from? That’s- that’s crazy.
Regect
No, I was talking about that.
Ze
Talking about- Oh- oh my god! Is that- is that a blimp? What is that?
Regect
Yeah- yeah, I have no idea what that is. Dude, is that yours?
Ze
Is- is the blimp- no.
Regect
I don’t- I don’t even- I don’t even know.
Ze
It’s a little worrying. But I- I think I’m going to go, um- explore that house. It came out of nowhere.
Regect
Alright man, be careful, and- hey- don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Ze
That’s not- That’s a saying for sleeping.
Regect
Oh- oh, sorry. Uh- here’s- here’s a better saying, uh- die in a hole. Go in a hole and die in it. Is that a good saying?
Ze
Dude. What the hell? That was just completely mean and uncalled for. Yeah, it was. It was extremely uncalled for! I- yeah, sure, run away.
Regect
Yeah. Oh- oh- oh, is it? Oh, it was uncalled for? Hey- hey, guess what? Hey, knock knock! Who’s there? Not me. I’m gone. Haha.
Ze
Coward, dude, I hate- [Through gritted teeth] Goddammit, I hate him!
Ze
Okay, hello? Is anyone in here? I-
Wakafante
[Frantic old man voice] No, please don’t shoot me, I don’t have money, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Ze
Woah- what the- No no no! Hey, I’m not gonna rob you, I’m not- I’m not robbing you, I’m just check- I’m checking your house out. I just- I’m not gonna hurt you.
Wakafante
Oh, oh, oh thank god. Oh, I thought you were gonna rob me... I- I am the great wizard, Wakafante!
Ze
Waka- Wakaf-
Wakafante
Wakafante!
Ze
Wakaf- Wakafa-
Wakafante
Wakafante!
Ze
Okay- well, I’m just going to call you Fante.
Wakafante
Okay, yeah, that’s cool.
Ze
And also, you can put your hands down. I told you I’m not going to rob you.
Wakafante
I actually don’t think I can, I- I think I threw my hands up so quick they’re- they’re stuck like this.
Ze
Oh my god, I’m sorry.
Ze
...Very, very old.
Wakafante
I’m very old. I’m very, very old.
Wakafante
But, uh- since you’re here now, uh- could you do me a favor, and uh- help me fix my fridge?
Ze
Fix your fri- Uh. Okay? Yeah, sure, I can help you. Where do I-
Wakafante
It’s been acting up for- for weeks now and I just- I can’t figure it out. Maybe you- your young mind can help me.
Wakafante
Oh no, it’s not a surface-level problem. It might be a little deeper. You- you might need to walk into it.
Ze
W- Walk into it- what? Wh- okay.
Wakafante
Just walk forward, it’ll be fine.
Ze
Wha- what? [Escalating into a yell] Why- why can’t I have A NORMAL-
Ze
Where the hell did you get this fridge? Fucking Tom Navidson?! What the-
Wakafante
Oh, I know who that guy is, I read that book, I liked it.
Ze
What is this? What is going- oh, okay.
Wakafante
Oh yeah, don’t go out there, it’s just infinite- it’s an infinite void, you’ll die.
Ze
Okay, yeah, I won’t. I’ll be fine, yeah.
Wakafante
There is nothing out there for you, I’m sorry.
Ze
You got a pretty good set-up in here, it’s- it’s huge.
Wakafante
Oh yeah, thank you, I do the decorating, I do all the decorating.
Ze
Ooo, a chair!
Wakafante
Oh, but I wouldn’t sit on that chair, it’s actually alive.
Ze
Oh- oh my god! I’m so sorry- I-
Chair
[Deep, angry voice] Get the hell off of me! Why are you sitting on me, what the hell-
Ze
Maybe the answer’s in one of these chests? Maybe it’s-
Wakafante
Oh, no no no, no, there’s nothing in there. Oh no.
Ze
What’s this? “Vid”?
Wakafante
It- that’s really embarrassing, that’s just a video I made.
Ze
Oh, it’s one of these.
Wakafante
No- don’t- don’t show anyone. Just- can you do me a favor and throw it into the void? Just- it’ll be a lot easier for everyone.
Ze
Yeah, I mean, sure. I can do that, I mean- it’s not like anyone’s watching. No one’s going to see it besides us, right?
Ze
[Quiet chuckle] Exactly, yeah. It’s just- it’s just me and you in here.
Wakafante
Yeah, there’s no one here, just us. No one’s watching. No one else would see that link except me and you, so yeah, we’re good.
Ze
That door looks bad.
Ze
I know that door, I’ve seen that door before. But the- the last one was quartz, this is- this is iron. Maybe- oh...
Wakafante
There’s a door? Does it lead to the void? Oh- maybe the problem’s in there. I think you should check it out, I think it’s the best-
Ze
Alright, I’m- I’m going to go in, then.
[Cave dwellers snarl without focus.]
Ze
What the hell- what is- okay. Nope- hey. Uh- hey, get out of here! Uh- don’t mess with this guy’s fridge.
[Cave dwellers begin to screech.]
Ze
What’s that- you guys- I don’t understand what you guys are saying, but I’m just telling you right now, you better- you better scram!
[Cave dweller screeches grow more intense.]
Ze
Wait- what are you guys doing? Hey- hey, back off! Hey! Back-
Ze
[Panting] Okay... Y- Yeah, s- serves you right, yeah… I- s- sorry about your head, though. I- I didn’t mean to do that, that was an accident, but- Okay, that should fix it.
Ze
Alright, I think I fixed- What the hell? What happened?!
Wakafante
Oh, one of my cauldrons overloaded and it blew up and caused a chain reaction that blew up the other cauldrons, but thank you for fixing my fridge, I- I think I can take care of it from here, now.
Ze
[Tired] Uh- yeah, you’re welcome, man.
Wakafante
Okay, I’m gonna go back home.
Ze
What- no, no, no, dude, what are you doing?!
Wakafante
No it’s okay, I’m fine- [Pained] OH! OH! I forgot about the fire! OW, FUCK! OH-
Ze
No- You know what- you know, I’m not even surprised. I’m not-
Ze
You know what, day’s solved, I’m just going to leave that there, I don’t give a shit. I’m just going home-
Regect
Hey, how’d it go?
Ze
Let’s just say, next time there’s a weird house that spawns, you’re taking care of it.
[Laugh tracks start to play.]
Ze
Who was that? Is there someone in the house? Are there people here? I don’t- I don’t know-
Regect
I- I don’t know, I- I- I don’t know, I didn’t let anyone in the house.
[Laugh tracks begin overlapping each other.]
Ze
That wasn’t- Moe- Moe, stay over- stay over there. Yeah, okay, split up, I’ll go find-
Regect
Moe, stay there. [Inaudible]
Ze
Dude, what’s happening? What’s going on?
Regect
I don’t know! I don’t know-