Ze
Okay, Moe, that was a good first kill. You started top early.
Regect
Good job, Moe. Good job.
Regect
Should she start hearthsteal first?
Ze
No no no no. No. Wars, then hearthsteal, and then dead mans. Okay? That's how- That's how the order goes.
Regect
Okay, yeah yeah yeah. Cause it's Mundo top, so you're right. Yeah, she should probably do that.
Ze
And she wants to- she wants to start her queue first--
[Door knocks.]
Regect
That be the door, man.
Ze
Someone's at the door. Hold on.
Regect
Good kill!
Ze
Regect, keep- keep, uh- training her. I'm going to go see what it is.
Regect
Alright, yeah, got it. Yeah, Moe, you got top locked down, that's good.
Ze
Who's at the door?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Argh! Avast, there! Haha, remember me? Wh- Where are you going? Hey, what are you doing? What are you grabbing?
Ze
[Sighs]
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
What is-- [Frantic] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Don't I get like a- a warning shot or something?
Ze
Nope. Th- There is no warning shot. You get a warning and then you get shot. That's how it works around here.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Okay, okay, okay! I- I- I'm not here to- to start anything, I actually need your help, okay? [Stammers] Th- There's a bunch of cave dwellers that have been- have been messing with me and my men for a little bit, and I- I need your- I need your help, okay? And you're the only one I know with guns, so c- can you please help me kill them or something? Please?
Ze
Hmm. What's in it for me, huh?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
I- I will leave you alone for- for however long you want if you just help me with this, okay?
Ze
Well, I guess that's a fair deal. Alright, I'll help you, but if you try anything funny, man, I swear to god I will- [Sudden scream] -KILL YOU!!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
And you know what? No one appreciates a promise like me. You have my word, I promise.
Ze
Alright, good. Let me just go grab my stuff. Just grab the grenade launcher, assault rifle... Yeah, this looks good.
[To Regect and Moe] Alright, guys, I’m going to be back! I- Just make sure nothing, uh- blows up or anything.
Regect
Yeah, alright. Jeez, Moe, that’s like the fifth kill! Good shit, oh my god!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Mateys! I have returned!
The Captain's Men
[Overlapping] The captain's back!
Captain’s Man 1
Woah woah woah!!
Captain’s Man 2
Evil man! Evil bad man! Bad man!
Captain’s Man 3
Bad guy! Bad guy! Bad guy! Bad guy! Bad guy!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
No no no, hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay! He's here to help us this time! H- H- He brought his guns to help with the- with the cave dwellers. We're gonna- We're gonna get rid of them.
Ze
Mhm, yep, I sure did. I sure came to help.
Captain’s Man 2
But captain, are we sure that we can trust him? H- H- He killed us last time, remember?
Ze
You jumped off the castle, what are you talking about?!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Enough bickering you landlubbers. Let's get moving, okay?
Captain’s Man 2
Alright, fine, but we'll be watching you!
Captain’s Man 1
Yeah, always watching you!
Ze
... GO!
Captain’s Man 3
[Scared] Yeah, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Well, it looks like we made it to the cave, finally! After fifteen grueling minutes.
Ze
Uh- Your- Uh, your whole crew is dead, and the boat somehow crashed? On land? I don't know-
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Yeah, whatever, we don't have time for that! Come on!
Ze
Oh- Okay. Alright, whatever.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
We need to get to the- the cave dwellers so we can kill them.
Ze
So I can kill them. I'm going to kill them.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Ah! There's no "I" in pirate!
Ze
[Sassy] There is if you fucking spell it right.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
And there is where the- the land of the cave dwellers are! Uh, I'm- I'm gonna leave first though, but y- y- you understand you're going to be doing this alone, right?
Ze
Oh, what happened to "no 'I' in pirate," buddy?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Oh, get a clue, I was kidding! That was for comedic effect, I know how to spell pirate you fucking asshole.
Ze
[Disbelieving] Yeah sure, comedic effect.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Avast! There they are!
[Cave dwellers snarl.]
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Cave dwellers! Look how evil they look. You evil things! Evil! Evil!
Ze
They look stupid.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Alright, ugh. Th- There's a lot more than I thought there'd be. Look! They're killing each other! That's how evil they are! Alright, I'm going to go hide back in here while you- I'm sure you can take care of them, right?
Ze
I mean, I've done it before so I- I guess, um--
[Clearing throat] Hey guys, remember me? I- I think I saw you one time. In that fridge.
[Cave dwellers shriek.]
Ze
You charging? Yep. Yeah. Mhm. Oh- Oh! You almost got me.
Cave Dweller
[Growled] Uh oh!
[Valorant ace sound effect plays.]
Ze
Alright, that should... be all... What was that noise? What was that?
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Well! I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but thank you for helping me, and... I know we've had our differences, but--
Ze
Yeah, it's going to stay that way. Get the fuck out of my house. Now.
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
Oh, really? And if I don't?
Ze
[Under breath] “If I don't.” “If I don't,” he says.
[Ze kills the captain with a single punch.]
Captain Dantes Von Dirt
AGH--!!
Ze
[Sighs]
Regect
Hey man, how'd it go?
Ze
It was fine. I just had to kill a bunch of cave dwellers, but it- honestly it was easy. I don't know why, though.
Regect
Well I'm sure when the heads gave you the secrets of the universe that- that- that kind of went into your combat skills and stuff. So, yeah. I'm not- I'm not surprised.
Ze
...What did- What did you just say?
Regect
Oh, when you went into Moe’s head and the- the heads gave you the secrets of the universe, or whatever. I honestly forgot, but yeah.
Ze
But wait, I never told you about--