[Ze begins to slowly swim up a stream of water to exit the hole.]
The Eyes (flashback)
I DOUBT THERE IS ANYTHING WAITING FOR YOU OUT THERE ANYMORE.
YOU WILL NEVER BE AT PEACE. YOU WILL ALWAYS LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER TO SEE IF I AM STILL PRESENT.
[A robotic humming begins to play. It changes pitch every few seconds.]
[Ze begins to drown.]
Ze
[Snapping out of it] W- W- Wait--! Oh wait! SHIT!
[Ze falls.]
Ze
Ugh- Come on... Seriously?
[Ze approaches and enters the real house. It is now bare of decorations and empty. The robotic humming continues.]
[Ze begins smashing windows.]
Ze
[Losing it] Ah-! AHH! AHHHH!! AH! WHAT?!
[Ze starts to smash through the wallsand the noises of destruction grow louder.]
Ze
[Crazed] HOW?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?! IT WAS FAKE?! AH--! AH--! AGHHH!! FAKE! FAKE!! ALL FAKE! FAKE!!
[Ze now stands in front of a completely destroyed house. The humming has stopped.]
Ze
Wow, I should have- I should have stopped. I... really went too far this time, didn't I.
Regect
What the fuck happened to our house?! Wh-- [Small gasp]
Ze
Regect? Moe?
Moe
[Honks]
Ze
I'm not taking any chances this time! No! No! You're gonna- okay, you're- you're gonna tell me now-
Regect
Go! I'm going to kill you! You're not going to fake him twice in a row! This is underhanded, wait-
Ze
Okay, hold on, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Okay, wait a minute.
Regect
What? What?
Ze
Let's time out, let's time out, let's time out. Okay, hold on. Are you the real Regect?
Regect
No, FUCK that! Are you the real Ze?!
Ze
Okay, okay. We need to- okay, we need to figure this out. I- I have an idea. Come here, come here. Okay?
Regect
What are you-
Ze
Just- Just come here. If you're the real Regect, you would- I'm going to play a song and you're going to sing it, and you're going to know which song it is, okay?
Regect
Wh--
Ze
Does that sound fair?
Regect
Okay, fine, yeah, whatever. Go ahead.
Ze
Okay, okay, playing it.
[99 Red Balloons by Nena begins to play on the jukebox.]
Regect
Oh, psh, I know this one, this is easy. Come on!
Regect
[Singing along] Ninety-nine--
Jukebox
Ninety-nine red--
Regect
ENGLISH?!
[Regect smashes the jukebox.]
Regect
Nah, nah!
Ze
[Relief] Ah, okay. Yeah, you're real. You're the real Regect. Okay, alright.
Regect
Alright, I've proved I'm the real Regect, now you prove you're the real Ze--
[Ze punches Regect in the gut.]
Regect
OW! Okay, yeah, you're the real Ze.
Ze
Alright, cool. Alright. ...Wait, wh- where's Moe?
Moe
[Deep, angry honks]
[Moe stands on a tree, showering Ze with splash potions.]
Ze
Ah! Moe! Moe, wait wait wait! Wait wait wait! I'm real, I'm real! I'm real! I'm real, I'm real, I'm real...
Regect
Oh shit, Moe! Wait, wait, wait! Moe, that's the real Ze! That's the real Ze, that's the real Ze! Stop stop stop stop stop! Moe, chill! That's the real Ze.
Moe
[Happy honks]
Ze
Yes. Yeah, it's me, Moe. It's me. It's the- It's the real Ze. We're good, we're good.
Ze
Yeah, sorry about the house, I- I don't even know what's happened...
Regect
Yeah, you don't need to lie to us, we saw you.
Ze
Okay, yeah, then I'm not gonna lie about it.
Regect
But dude, what the hell happened? You've been gone for like fifteen days! And why are you moving like that?
Ze
Sorry, my screen’s being weird, it's not lore-related, it's because of my SHITBOX OF A PC!! [Quiet] Sorry. Anyways, uh- you were asking if I was like, the real Ze? Was there a fake Ze?
Regect
Um...
Regect
[Worried] Moe, have you seen Ze? I- I can't find him anywhere.
Moe
[Honks]
Regect
Do you know where he went--?
Fake Ze
[Jolly] Hey guys! It's me! Sorry I've been gone for so long. How are my two best friends doing? Haha!
[Regect and Moe share a silent look.]
[Regect and Moe are now beating the shit out of fake Ze.]
Regect
Get up! Huh? Huh?! HUH?! What's up, huh?! Get up! GET UP!! Huh?! HUH?! Yeah! Yeah, get him, Moe! Get him! Yeah, yeah, throw your shit, yeah! Get up, come on! Punk! You're a punk?! PUNK!! Come on!
Moe
[Deep, angry honks]
[The fake Ze dies.]
Regect
[Out of breath] Okay. Let's go find the real Ze. That- That wasn't real, yeah, we both agree that wasn't the real Ze. Let's- Let's go--
Regect
Yeah, but then, uh- after that we just kind of stuck to looking for you for a long time, man. We've been going crazy! We had no idea where you were. We got real worried.
Ze
You guys were worried? I- I honestly thought you wouldn't care that much.
Regect
[Disbelieving laugh] What?!
Moe
[Shocked laugh honk]
Regect
Oh my god, dude, you're an idiot. You're an idiot, dude. No, of course we were worried! We were fricking looking everywhere for you!
Ze
Wow, I really appreciate that- You probably shouldn't be sitting on those stairs--
Regect
Oh god, I slipped! AH--!
[Regect hits the ground.]
Regect
Ow... DAMMIT!
Ze
I- I'm- I'm sure he's fine.
[Cave dwellers shriek.]
Regect
[Panic] Oh my god, the cave dwellers are down here!
Ze
We should probably go help--
Regect
The cave dwellers are down here--!